Elyn R. Saks: The Center Cannot Hold

This book will demand courage from you, to start reading it, to continue reading it and finally to finish it. And then you will be left with your thoughts. Basically, talking about schizophrenia is not for weak-hearted, but still, it is a topic that needs to be addressed. This book offers an autobiographical account of schizophrenia really is, what is it like, how to live with it and so on. Although it reads mostly as a series of medical diagnoses, it reveals also a fragile human being behind the illness. And although we might have only one name for an illness, it actually masks a variety of human experience. In words of author's analysts:   Don't define yourself in terms of something which even many highly trained and gifted professionals do not fully understand. So, who is the person behind the illness?

She defined herself in three compartments, The Lady of the Charts, psychotic self, Professor Saks, a high achieving professional, and Elyn, a private person who wants to love and be loved. The story reads like interplay of these three characters and the basic story of each three is the following. The Lady of the Charts is her pain, the ongoing and returning psychosis, a suffering state of mind full of violent and irrational ideas. In one instance we gain a complete insider view, a paradox: This is a classic bind for psychiatric patients. They're struggling with thoughts of wanting to hurt themselves or others, and at the same time, they desperately need help of those they're threatening to harm. The conundrum: Say what's on your mind and there'll be consequences; struggle to keep the delusions to yourself, and it's likely you won't get the help you need. The governing story is of course of self-acceptance and also a wider acceptance from society. A story which is so strongly reminiscent of gay coming-out stories. It makes me wonder if we need another 40 years to fully understand and accept mental illnesses.

Then there is Professor Saks who tries to earn respect and love from the world by performing excellently, finishing degrees and mastering diverse areas like languages, law and psychoanalysis. Hiding behind the title of Professor is Elyn, a women so hard on herself that when she finally falls in love she is surprised to find out that it feels better than having an article accepted in an academic journal. One wonders how did this girl learn to be so uncompromising with herself?

The book is actually a victory for a patient of a psychiatric hospital who was deemed not capable of living a "normal" life. Yet, she has managed, but paid a big price to the stigma attached to her illness. Publishing this book under her real name is also a remarkable "coming-out" story and I admire her courage. And maybe she gave us the best advice how to approach people when they are psychotic. Not with fear, but with compassion. When you're scared, on the verge of a meltdown, you instinctively know to head someplace where you'll be safe; when you reveal something so intimate as psychosis, you want the witnesses to be people you trust.